I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
