Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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