My brain says no but my pants say off.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
