Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
