How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
