I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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