dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
