I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
