you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
