ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
