just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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