wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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