"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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