dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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