I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have feelings that need drinking.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
