It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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