I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
