4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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