New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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