At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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