ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
