so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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