Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the condom got lost in my hair
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
