If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
