Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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