I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
