Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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