I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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