Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
