The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You were trust falling into bushes
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
