That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
