if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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