Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
