By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
