Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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