don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
