headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
