I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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