Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
