Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
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I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
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Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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