I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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