please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
