I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
