Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
