she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
