if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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