I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
