dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
