are you so shy because you have an std?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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