We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
