When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
