I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
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