I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
